The WOD that broke me.

"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."

- William James

Thursday, August 25th started out like many other mornings have.  Alarm at 4:30am, tiptoeing around the house so as not to wake anyone, brushing my teeth in the dark and fumbling for my vitamins under the dim light of the stove hood.  The usual stretching I do at home before class had some extras thrown in to address my neck and shoulder injury from last week.  I felt good and somewhat limber for the first time since it happened and was hopeful for the WOD.

Here is the WOD I'm referring to, just so we're clear:

400m run
21-15-9
over head squats
toes to bar
400m run

I looked at it the night before so it wasn't a surprise to me.  I was a little apprehensive for the T2B because the last time I did them I tore up my hands pretty bad.  Still, I don't ever give up on a WOD or avoid a day because of one unsavory element.  I go to the box and I do the WOD.  Period.  Practice makes perfect, train your weakneses, blah blah blah.  Giving up simply isn't an option for me.

Fast forward to the first set of T2B and for some strange reason I could only do two attempts before jumping down.  Not because of my sore shoulder and not because of any tears on my hands, but because I had this voice in my head saying "I can't do this".  I have NO idea where this thought came from so it really shook me bad.  I wanted nothing more than to turn on my heels, march out of the box, and escape to the comfort of my car.  For the first time since starting CrossFit I wanted to give up and it scared the hell out of me.  It would have been so easy to throw everything I've worked so hard for right out the window in that moment.

I'd like to say my mental grit won out for the rest of the WOD but it didn't.  It was a struggle to keep the two or three reps at a time that I was doing and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.  Ordinarily I don't notice what everyone else is doing.  It's just me and the WOD.  On this day however, it was hard to overlook the fact that everyone else was on their last 400m run while I was still struggling with my first set of 21 T2B.  I felt pathetic, weak and idiotic but I knew I had to finish.

Rob, the usual trainer for this class and someone who's seen me WOD day in and day out, kindly suggested I try the GHD as a modification for the T2B.  Little did he know that this device is actually torture for me because I am completely afraid of falling on my head.  It's also my fault that I never told him I have diastasis recti (separated ab muscles) and I believe the GHD makes it worse.  "I can't do this" part two arose and I was near tears again.  Feeling humbled and mentally battered, I finally finished the 21-15-9 and went out to start my last run.  As I left the building I heard someone say, "Is she still going?".  Sigh.

What took most of the class 15-20 minutes took me about 40. 

So what's the take-home here?  How am I supposed to feel about this besides pathetic, worthless, pissed off and humbled? As you can tell from the date of the WOD, this has taken me a little while to process.  Now that I'm on the other side I can genuinely say that I'm glad this happened.  Just like we do lifts to failure so we know where our limits lie and how to stretch them, this experience of mental weakness was necessary for me to grow.  You can't get mentally tougher with days full of sunshine and rainbows.  It's the sucky WOD's that grind your confidence down and reshape your brain game.

The next time I want to give up (and it will happen again), I will be better prepared to face it and keep going.  Even if I have tears of defeat streaming down my face I know that my muscles are stronger than that.  Every Single Time.  I want to get to that second wind mentioned in the quote above.  Wonder how much stronger I can be on that?  How much longer I can hold on?  I have the feeling that elusive second wind holds many PR's... and I can't wait to fail again and try to find out!!!